Adulterated Happiness (Part 2/2)

(Average Reading Time – 16 mins)

…Roberto checked the stamp on the envelope again. The contents of the letter had taken him by surprise. An electric feeling of euphoria ran through him as he re-read the letter. He couldn’t believe it. In the letter were written the words that he strived hard to hear but never hoped. Roberto was selected to travel with the Italy National Team as a backup player. It was a big moment. Spellbound by the interesting turn of events, he called his coach right away. The selection committee was tracking Roberto’s progress for a year and they didn’t want to let him go due to a mere injury. He danced freely in that moment completely indifferent to the people walking down the street watching him. Life had suddenly taken a different turn and happiness was the next stop.

He stared at the letter over and over again, marveled at the magic of life, and flaunted it to everyone around. There wasn’t a piece of paper in his life ever that had given him so much joy. While his family was dancing around in celebration, he thought about Andrea. It was surprising how her thought beguiled him in an unexpected way. All this while when he was questioning his choices in life, it was Andrea who had been patiently working with him… both physically and emotionally. In that moment, he felt an uncontrollable urge to share this news with her and he rushed to the clinic.

“What are you doing here Roberto? Everything alright?” asked Andrea with a little concern.
“Do you know what this is?” he asked showing her the letter.
“Are they your medical reports?”
“No, please, can you look at me for a second?”
Roberto had a big smile on his face as he was fluttering the letter in his hand. Andrea hadn’t seen so much joy and ecstasy on Roberto’s face in a long time.
“Is the club calling you back for practice?” she asked and then continued, “No way, Roberto, you aren’t going back just yet.”
“Andrea… Andrea… this letter is from the Italy Football Committee” he said holding her by arms.
“I have been selected to travel with the national team… can you believe it?”
“Oh, my God! Are you serious?” she asked in a flabbergasted tone.
“Yes… Yesss… Yessss!”
They hugged in jubilation and began dancing in her office.
“I can’t thank you enough, Andrea.”
“Oh, my God! I still can’t believe it. Congratulations. How did this even happen? Did you not miss the selection games?” Andrea had a series of questions.

They kept hugging for some time. Roberto didn’t feel like releasing her from his arms. His hands slowly slid down her waist delicately feeling her curves as he pulled her even closer. Rubbing his fingers gently over her cheeks, he looked deep into her eyes and then kissed her. Andrea’s heartbeat suddenly rose. She closed her eyes and kissed him back surrendering gracefully to the moment. They kissed for a while as if it was something they both had been waiting for a while.

Andrea giggled and hugged him again. “Let’s get ice cream. It’s such good news” she said and went to grab her car keys. It was a long and scenic drive up to the ice cream shop and the late afternoon hour casted a nice sunshine over them. They parked in front of a garden and decided to stay back in the car eating ice cream and watching the kids play.

“You deserve this, Roberto,” she said nibbling on the ice cream in her cup. Roberto smiled back.
“You know, I have always felt that distance acts like a filter in life. It distills away all the things that aren’t meant for you… but, contrarily, distance brings things closer that are indeed meant for you. And isn’t that what happened here with you? You almost thought of giving up football for the distance this injury got between you and the game… but nature had its plans.” Roberto nodded.
“I agree… I wouldn’t have believed it before but I have begun to wonder the mystical ways of life. I mean, just a few moments ago, I was crying about my life, blaming everyone, and now here we are… eating ice cream in celebration. I find it strange how some endings in life come on so suddenly without giving you a heads-up. One moment you are in the middle of something, and the next it’s all a very long time ago, and you are a different person and none of it is ever coming back.”

They looked outside the window at the beautiful park. The place that was filled with clamor and kids had now become still. People had left, birds were quietly returning to their nests, and a peaceful tranquility had taken over the evening setting a calm mood. Staring at the changed view outside, Andrea candidly said, “You know, these parked car conversations with you on silent evenings feel so relaxing.” Roberto looked up as his heart beat suddenly rose hearing that sentence. An unpleasant feeling of stress and nausea took over him. He looked at her and said with a little agitation, “No… please don’t say that.” Andrea looked puzzled. Roberto took a deep breath and clearing his voice said, “Let’s just say… you never get over some traumas in life.”

“Okay, never mind. So, tell me, what’s next?” asked Andrea changing the topic. “Are you going to be in the news, are you going to travel the world and be that popular soccer player that everyone wants to get a picture with?” He didn’t respond and kept looking outside the car window.
“Come on, tell me. I’m not going to be around forever. So, tell me before you forget me.” 

Roberto looked up at her and candidly said, “You know, I have always been the person who vividly remembers small details of life, the kind of person who lingers in the shadows of old memories, and the kind of person who doesn’t let past fade away easily. And today, not because I’m holding this letter in my hand, but I want you to know that I will never forget you. I’ll be the person who would tell everyone about the role you have played in my life, I’ll be that someone who finally took your advice on how life is not about what-ifs as much as it is about even-ifs… and perhaps, years from now when you would’ve probably forgotten all about me, my hand will subconsciously pick up the phone and scroll through your pictures going down the memory lane and reliving these moments in nostalgia.”

Andrea had tears in her eyes. She smiled and kissed him again.

With time Roberto became a regular in Italy’s national team. After his debut in 1988, everyone took notice of him. Professionalism peaked shading away all the novice habits and traits within him. Football had become life, and everything else was noise. He ate the right food, slept on time, and followed a perfect routine. His fitness and strength improved drastically and he radiated a heroic glow. The world was witnessing a transformation of a boy who played football for fun emerging into a legend. But beyond his personal and professional evolution, what laid at the core of his success was his unequivocal love for the game. Be it off the field or on, he was in absolute love with the game. Just like football, he was in love with something else too… rather someone else. While the world was celebrating the rise of a football legend, Roberto married Andrea in an intimate setting. During the next couple of years, he started playing as the center forward for his country, received offers from leading football clubs, and welcomed their first child into this world.

The preparation for the 1994 World Cup began soon after Roberto’s rise to the stage of global football. He had a critical role to play and with all the awards under his name, he had now become the face of Italy’s soccer team. As the World Cup got nearer, celebration and festivity grew all around the globe. There were billboards, flyers, and songs written for players. Sponsorships, tourism, and advertisements were pouring in… and it hadn’t remained just a sporting event; the world economy was getting bolstered too. And Roberto… Roberto was at the heart of Italy’s dream. Contrary to the celebration outside, there was stillness within him. He spoke less, prayed more, avoided public interaction, and rarely in history would there’ve been any player as committed to the game as him. Every player wanted to lift the cup for their country, but for Roberto, it was more. He never talked about it… but somewhere in the core of his heart… was hidden a secret. A secret that had become the driving force for him on this journey. Above all the other reasons to bring home the World Cup, the desire to win the cup for his dead father kept him awake at night. It was his way of offering his father homage. 

The inauguration of the World Cup was spectacular. There were film stars, politicians, businessmen, and people from across the globe making the event larger than life. Fireworks, loud music, louder chants, and a euphoria that was unheard or unseen of any time before. In the inaugural game, Roberto struck two goals winning Italy its first game and giving the world a sneak peek into how the tournament is going to unfold. As the contest proceeded, the world saw how exceptional a human being can get in the sport of football. With each passing game, Roberto carried Italy and the hopes of millions of people forward on his shoulders. History was being written for his folklore was going to be told for times to come. Life had played another mysterious game and brought the person who was supposed to win Italy its World Cup back on stage.

Italy was in its golden period of football. The management, support staff, and all the players had worked together in cohesion for months to gradually take Italy into the last leg of this contest. The World Cup finals. Italy had qualified and it was a big moment. They were up against their arch-rivals Brazil. Rarely in history would there have been any other game as anticipated as this penultimate game between Italy and Brazil. With both teams equally skilled and driven to lift the trophy, the contest was getting heated up day by day. The world had gotten divided into two groups.

On the final’s day, while the entire team was sprinting around the ground, discussing strategies, and giving press interviews, Roberto stayed in his room and meditated. He didn’t want the severity of the game to get to him. As the game began, Roberto displayed a balanced demeanor managing his aggression and stamina uniformly. The game was getting spicy minute by minute with not one team able to score a goal against the other until the end of ninety minutes. To break the tie, both teams were given three extra minutes… but sometimes, some dreams take time to fulfill. Roberto couldn’t create an opportunity to strike and at the end of extra time, it remained a tie.

Scores leveled which meant it was going to go for a penalty shootout. There were a record number of people watching it live. Nothing was going to get spicier than this game.

The commentators were excited to cover this moment.

“It couldn’t get bigger than this… Brazil vs Italy, soccer world cup final” said the commentator in his mic.
“Millions of people across the globe are watching this moment. Who would’ve imagined the biggest rivals of the game are stuck at this point with no side able to score even a single goal?“

“Yeah, and if leveled scores weren’t enough, it has now leveled again to penalties,” said the other commentator. “It has now come down to the final penalty kick. Young lads, elderly couples, and people of all gender, race, and color have come to a halt. Sports truly unite people of all backgrounds. I don’t think there would’ve been any bigger moment than this in football history. Final penalty. The one that would decide the winner tonight.”

“As we can see the entire stadium is now up on their feet while the Italy team is in an intense discussion with the coach forming a huddle. I’m sure they are discussing who should take the final blow.”
“Absolutely, if you ask me, it’s a no-brainer for Italy. It should be Roberto. The man of the tournament. If there is anyone who can bring the World Cup home for Italy after a decade… its him.“
“Indeed. The wait is getting over now… and you are right brother, we see one person coming out of the huddle and walking towards the penalty shoot… it’s none other than the man, the myth, the legend.”
“There is an outburst of celebration in the Italy camp as Roberto walks towards the center of the field. Has Italy already started celebrating… ha-ha… and why shouldn’t they, I ask?“

Roberto stood there in the center of the ground juggling the ball. He stretched his legs, looked around, and took a deep breath. Millions of eyes watched him as the cameras focused on every movement of his… capturing his expressions and deciphering his thoughts in arguably the most intense moment in football history. While the goalkeeper was stretching and getting ready, Roberto looked around the ground. The stadium was packed. A loud cacophony of fans cheering for him, singing victory songs, and waving flags in the background. In that moment, he spotted his wife sitting down with her fingers crossed. Next to her was their son Romero cheering for his father… just the way he was for his father a few decades ago. Everything seemed to have come almost a complete circle. In that brief moment, the scene from his childhood flashed by him… the scene that changed the course of his life. The scene that drove him to take up football. While the world was chanting his name, he slipped away into a brief trance revisiting the night his father had gotten back home after losing the World Cup game to Brazil. He saw his father weep in front of him for the first time. That night crawling into his father’s bed, he promised him that he would complete his dream of winning Italy a World Cup. Now, after all these years, that moment had finally arrived. It had been such a long and hard journey, he thought. The moment he had been waiting for his entire life. The moment the people of Italy had been waiting for so long. The moment to redeem himself and his father from a feeling of overwhelming despair, regret, and trauma. 

“The stadium that was in a loud cacophony just seconds before has now come to a standstill. It’s a pin-drop silence as Roberto gets ready to strike” the commentator continued.
“Where is he going to shoot? Will he aim to the right pole where there is an extra space, or to the left…?”

Roberto charges in and hits the ball with full force going all in straight over the goalkeeper to deceive him… but only to miss it by a small margin.

“He misses it. Roberto misses the goal. Oh, my God. What a shocker! I can’t believe it. What has happened? Is this for real?”
“Oh. My. God. Roberto has missed the goal. It’s unbelievable. Every person on earth watching this moment live is in shock.”  
“It’s Brazil! Brazil is the 1994 world champion. I can see the Brazilian crowd erupt in absolute joy and the ground is filled with Brazilians.”

Roberto had missed the goal. No one could believe it. He missed the strike by a small margin handing over the World Cup to Brazil. After a few minutes when the euphoria around Brazil’s victory had slowed down, everyone realized Roberto was still standing in that same spot. Frozen. He was still stuck in that moment. There are some moments in life when the magnitude overwhelms you and weighs you down. It is in such moments that you lose track of reality, where you stall, and where your body is overtaken by an extraordinarily intense state of existence. A state of existence which can neither be described nor explained… only experienced. A state of existence that appears unreal… where your soul disregards your body and what remains is a bland state of existence.

Roberto stood there in that exact spot for an unmeasurable amount of time… and what appeared from a distance was a man who died standing.

In the next few seconds, people from all over the stadium, from both camps, slowly stood up and gave Roberto a standing ovation. The world had never seen an away crowd give a standing ovation to the opposition’s player. Brazil’s players who had looked at Roberto as an enemy the entire time were now hugging and patting him. As the thunder of applause around the stadium became louder and louder, tears slowly began to surface in Roberto’s eyes.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. The celebration, festivity, and exuberant vibe that had been around for a while had now all subsided. Seasons had changed, news channels had different topics on prime time, and people had gotten busy with life. It is during this after phase, when the dust settles down, that you start to clearly see the scars endured on your soul. It is when you realize how difficult moving on in life actually is. Despite all the spirituality and positivity, you are unable to get rid of this feeling of being trapped in a cage. A cage where it is just you and your thoughts… wandering away lost in silence. You stroll down the street, hoping to clear your mind, but tears begin to roll down your cheeks unknowingly. And sometimes, it feels like it is only in death where you can finally find the relief from this torment that you are unable to find in life. In that moment, a dull depression quietly hits you, and it hits you like a sharp arrow piercing your heart ruthlessly. A longing for the world that you imagined but couldn’t achieve… and in the silence of these unmet dreams, you feel a profound sadness, a sense of failure.

Over time Roberto had unknowingly gotten disengaged from all the walks of his life. He stayed in his room alone staring outside the window for hours. While everyone was upset with his silence, he was tired of the noises within him. Perhaps, this is the part of passion that people don’t know much about. The part where passion does not lead to happiness. Our life is adorned with stories of passion and how life eventually comes to a complete circle, only that it doesn’t always. The person who got Italy to the World Cup finals had suddenly become the person who costed Italy its World Cup. Andrea, his wife, could feel his ordeal and yet she couldn’t help. She was suffering too in her own ways. She tried hard to bring him out of his past… but nostalgia had always been the theme of Roberto’s life. He dwelled in the past, reminiscing past experiences, and refusing to move on in life. It was perhaps because Roberto always had extreme ends of emotions. Be it aggression, disappointment, or love and passion; mild and lukewarm was a state that never existed in his character. He was either too cold or too hot. Perhaps, that’s why life had always progressed in a sinusoidal waveform for him with valleys of pain followed by peaks of happiness.

To take a break from this ordeal, Roberto decided to venture out in solace. After a long drive and a longer hike, he reached the top of a small hill… it was the same place he used to visit with his father growing up. It was a meadow with lush green grass and willows on the side. A small stream of water flowing quietly through the forest made it picturesque. He noticed a lot of things had now changed. On his way, he spotted broken soda bottles, rusted cans, and plenty of plastic wrappers. The small hut that stood in front of the meadows was now broken. Despite its deserted look, the place had a serene vibe. He kept walking on that rugged path for some time. After a while, he found a quiet place to sit by the stream and drink his vodka.

Sitting quietly by the water, he realized that he had perhaps seen life in a very crude and raw form. There is a kind of sadness that comes from knowing too much, from seeing life unfiltered as is, he thought. The kind of sadness that comes from having experienced life beyond passion and above glory. The kind of sadness that comes from knowing that you don’t age by living a lot of years, you age by weathering a lot of storms. And in that realization, there is loneliness, a scary feeling of being slowly ripped apart from the world, like a tender leaf ruthlessly torn apart from its tree drifting alone into emptiness.

The whirlpool of convoluted thoughts had pulled Roberto in, stripping him of his sense of awareness. In that state of disarray, a tender voice called his name. Startled, he looked around. There wasn’t a life, let alone a person. He ignored it and went back to his trance silently retrospecting how life had turned out for him. It was serene and the fresh evening wind had made the atmosphere chilly. It was neither daylight nor evening, just a somber twilight. He was neither drunk nor completely sober, just a little light-headed. In that mild intermediatory state, he heard the faint voice call his name again. This time he stood up and started walking in the direction of the voice. The golden rays of the setting sun casted a warm saffron glow on the meadows. In that soothing sunlit ambiance, he noticed a figure in the distance. His fingers trembled, knees weakened, and his mouth lost water. He dared and took a few steps forward to see clearly. In that moment a sudden chill suddenly ran down his spine. His surprise couldn’t wear off as he kept rubbing his eyes. Perhaps, it was hallucination or some kind of divine intervention but the faint figure standing in front of his blurred vision was his dead father… in all bones and flesh.

He stood frozen, staring in stunned silence as shock and disbelief took over him. In the darkest of times, sometimes, delusions start to become believable. You surrender your sense of cogency and whatever gives you relief becomes the new reality. Dumbstruck, he could barely speak, and the few words that somehow managed to slip out of his mouth were “I’m really sorry, Dad. I couldn’t complete our dream.” His father kept looking at him with a smile. The mysterious appearance of his father strangely did not frighten him. Rather, it gave him a sense of relief… After a really long time, the thought of his father’s presence offered him the feeling of intimate comfort and homeliness.

“How did I get into this place, papa?” he asked in a deep voice. “How did I?… How did I get into this place when I had started this journey in the right spirit… being loyal to the sport in every way? I did right where I was meant to, I prayed every day, and I never thought ill about anyone.” It felt like Roberto had finally gotten a channel to express his heart out. With tears in his eyes, he continued, “You know, I have lost faith in righteousness. I don’t believe that future outcomes in life have anything to do with your past actions. Life, in my opinion, is a just roulette of randomness. There are so many permutations and combinations, that regardless of your actions some good things will happen to you while some bad. And in this randomness that life offers today, there isn’t any place left for righteousness.” Roberto’s father was shocked to see the weeds of hatred that had grown within his son’s heart. “Growing up, while all kids my age were out partying, hooking up, and enjoying life, I sacrificed all those things. In fact, I didn’t have a life. I was either playing a game or preparing for a game. It didn’t feel like a sacrifice back then because I knew life would never leave me incomplete… but today after all these years of struggle, fame, and fortune… when the clout has finally settled down, I don’t have anything but a disturbing sense of hollow emptiness.” The tears in his eyes were now flowing down his cheeks as he kept asking his father an account of all the unfair things that happened to him. “Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t a footballer at all and this all is just a bad dream and when I wake up, I’m a kid again playing jigsaw with you in our little patio.”

Roberto couldn’t continue speaking, his breath got shallow and his throat choked as he finally broke down. His father came forward and hugged him. The warmth of his father’s hug finally melted down the fiery aura of his personality and he began to sob uncontrollably. He hugged back his father tightly and sobbed harder for all the poison that had built up within him had found a source to purge itself out. Caressing his back lovingly, his father let him cry.

“I know you are hurt…” he said stroking Roberto’s back. “…and this seems to be more. This is grief… do you know what grief is? It is all the unexpressed emotions from all the unhealed wounds”

“Look at me now,” he said and waited for him to stabilize. 

“I want you to know that whatever you are feeling is human. We don’t get to choose what can hurt us and what cannot. The past is haunting you; I know… but have you ever thought why is the past haunting you?”

Roberto nodded. His eyelids had become puffy and his face scrunched up. His father looked at him, paused for a moment, and then said, “Roberto, I think you need to forgive every person and every situation that has ever hurt you. Over the years, a lot of resentment has built up within you… and the only person who feels the pain of resentment is the one who holds it. Normalize people not meeting your expectations, normalize you not meeting everyone’s expectations. Sometimes, we think we have a hold on people by choosing not to forgive them, but the reality is that it’s this absence of forgiveness that actually has a hold on us. Choosing not to forgive is choosing to keep that pain close to you. The person who chooses to forgive is to one who gets to move on.” Roberto was listening to his father carefully. His tears had now dried up.

“I know this is not easy… but, look, a lot of things will go wrong before a lot of things go right… but you will have to learn to forgive all the wrong things to make space for the right ones” 

Roberto had become speechless. There was something in his father’s words that had given him a different perspective. At one instance it all made sense to move on in life forgiving everything… but then in the next moment he felt the burden of past insecurities drag him down. It was all overwhelming.

“Remember, constant reassurance heals trauma in life. So, when you begin to lose faith in life again, I will reappear in some ways to reinstill your faith in life.”

Roberto hadn’t felt such a sense of relief in years. He hugged his father and closed his eyes feeling the pure and profound love that existed between them. The clog in his throat had opened up, his puffed eyes had now normalized and after a few minutes when he opened his eyes, he was shocked again. There wasn’t anyone around and the person in his embrace had disappeared. Roberto smiled to himself and instead of searching around for his father’s soul, he decided to believe that his soul had gone inward into him and became one. He felt blessed. Walking back home alongside the quietly running stream of water, he heartfully hoped there would exist a world in the near future where he would live a life that is free of all resentments, a life where he gets to experience joy in its pure form… a life which is pure, pristine, and without any Adulterated happiness.